This is the first Thanksgiving I've spent alone.

My sister, after coming out as trans to our parents, moved to the other side of the country for better job prospects and to be with her girlfriend. I advised her against moving without a job, but I didn't know she had a girlfriend, and she knows better than me anyways since she just started a great job in her field. I'm not as courageous as her, and I'm not out to my parents, but I at least told them I won't be able to tolerate being around them if they misgender her. I haven't heard from them in a long time.

My coworkers all think I'm visiting my parents. Explaining to my conservative company that my sister and I are both trans and that my parents' worldviews are fundamentally incompatible with the existence of trans people is a bit difficult.

I've been dreading today. Both the being alone itself, and what being alone on a holiday would say about me. I've always been quiet, shy, awkward, and not great at making friends, and now in my mid-20's I am paying for it in my isolation. I do have great online friends, one of which, by coincidence, is dating a trans girl local to me, who has become a friend, although she's traveling to see my said online friend this week.

I was worried I would spend most of my Thanksgiving crying; I did cry in the morning. My chronic pain (TMJD) always flares up when and after I cry, which usually makes me cry more. I listened to some Mountain Goats, and got myself out of bed, put on a favorite sweater, and opened up a white Monster, a bad habit that got me through college and my last toxic job. Carbonated gasoline. It makes me nostalgic in a fucked-up way.

My cat is the reason I've gotten so far. It's been getting colder here, so she's been more cuddly, and slept on my lap the whole morning. I got some really cute photos of her and I am so jealous of how photogenic she is. She's making biscuits on me right now as I write this.

I wanted to make a pumpkin pie today, since it's my favorite and I have fond memories of my mom always making them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It turned out really well; my kitchen smelled like pumpkin and cinnamon and cloves during and for a short while after baking it.

I told myself I was going to go to the park to eat and maybe read or crochet, but it's way too cold actually lol. Instead I made some apple cinnamon tea and finished a book: Gender Euphoria, edited by Laura Kate Dale, mentioned in a previous post on this website. I was going back and forth on finishing it after I put it down and cried a little after reading the first essay the night after I checked it out of the library. "Euphoric" is not how I would describe the majority of my trans experiences.

I'm glad I decided to finish it today though. These stories of trans joy have given me more fuel to burn. It was an excellent reminder that the reason I decided to transition was to chase joy and authenticity and to move towards the life I wanted to live rather than the one given to me.

Maybe the best part about this Thanksgiving was seeing her in the mirror for the first time after I finished that book. And cuddling with my cat, I think that's just as good.